Why are things different this time?

I start this post with a question: “Why am I having feelings of desire for dressing beyond the usual?

You might well be asking “what is usual?”, and obviously the answer will be different for everyone.

Speaking for myself, the dressing desire has previously begun to deteriorate after a couple of weeks of getting back into it.  From memory it’s been a month at the very most.

This time, though, things seem to be different and for the life of me, I can’t work out why!

My “normal” scenario goes something like this:

Things start off with me beginning to notice women – more precisely, I begin to notice what they’re wearing. At first this is more a sub-conscious thing, but at some point I realise what I’m doing and I know that it’s a sign that Sarah is on her way back.

After a few days of this the old feelings that are best described as ‘butterflies in my stomach’ begins to surface and I find myself in a women’s clothes section in a daze taking in all the wonders before me.  Within a week I’m dressing again.

I will then spend the next 3 or 4 weeks dressing whenever I get a chance and then my needs begin to diminish and I revert back to “male-dom”.

So what’s different this time?

Quite simply I don’t know. Things didn’t follow their normal pattern after the initial ‘clothes-watching’ phase.

Looking back on it now, a couple of months later, it would seem that I was aware of what was happening pretty much from the start. Probably because of that I knew that the dressing would begin so I decided to immediately raid my panty drawer and started to wear them under my work clothes.

Now, I’ve done this before, even when I’ve not been actively dressing to any great extent but, strangely, never really while I have been dressing because I’ve tended to separate these two parts of my life.

Anyway, to continue … following the start of the panty-wearing I took a day off and went to the Transformation store in London for a makeover. I find this a good thing to do, especially if I’ve not dressed for an extended period.

If I had to come up with a reason why I do this, I would have to say it’s probably to do with confidence. If I do my own makeup and wig styling and things don’t turn out too well then I can get very frustrated and end up not wanting to try.  This is like ‘cutting off my nose to spite my face’, as my gran used to say.  So, having someone else deal with the makeup and hair makes the transition a lot easier.

I had a great few hours in my female guise at Transformation; I was very relaxed – probably more relaxed than I had been for a while – and to top if all, I think I looked better than I have done for a while (see previous post for the photos).

Since then life outside of work seems to have been a frenzy of dressing activity, the likes of which I don’t think I’ve experienced since the very early days.

I’m also doing more shopping, where before I only shopped when I needed something or a particular dress or skirt caught my eye.  At the moment I appear to be shopping ‘just because I can’ – this last couple of weeks I’ve bought 3 skirts, 2 dresses, 2 tops, and a whole load more panties and slips.

Shopping in stores as my male self is something I’ve always done and never had a problem with. In fact this is probably the only really risky thing that I have done up until now.

I say ‘until now’ because another new thing is that I’m taking a lot more risks. I’ve always tried to keep things ‘safe’, like staying indoors during daylight hours – sure I’ve been out for drives and taken walks in the dark, but nothing too risky.

Recently, though, I’ve been out driving while dressed in female clothes in daylight hours, and I’ve also worn some ‘less obvious’ female clothes in public. Why is this suddenly becoming something that I feel the need to do? I no longer feel content with slap-dash makeup and dressing for an hour or so.  I’m taking longer to get ready and looking for more quality from my appearance (although I don’t always achieve it!).

I’m no expert but it seems to me that a psychological ‘switch’ has been tripped somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain that has resulted in this extended need to dress. For all I know it could be to do with age – almost as though something in my brain suddenly went “hey, you’re missing out on this part of your life. You ain’t getting any younger, so enjoy it while you can” … Does that make sense, or am I completely nuts?

Then again, it could just be that I’ve been out of the game for so long that I’m trying to make up for all the lost ‘Sarah’ time.

Ah, who knows? Who cares, is probably a better question! I just wanted to put this out there, mainly for my own benefit because I find that putting this stuff down in writing helps. At least it gets it all out of my head into someplace that I can digest it and, with any luck, make some sense of it.

I know that some of this may sound like I’m not enjoying the extended period as Sarah – in fact, the opposite is true. I love this side of me and wouldn’t change it for anything.  I also like my male side so I have no desire to dress full time or take hormones etc.

I just don’t seem to want it to stop this time and it feels a bit strange after forty-plus years of being what I can only describe as an ‘on/off’ dresser.

Since it shows no sign of abating I have booked a day in November to go down to Translife in Brighton to take advantage of their dressing service, and I have to say I am very much looking forward to it. I shall, of course, report on my day at some point following that and, since they offer a photo service too, I will probably have some pictures to share too.

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