As that over-used cliche goes “I am what I am” and I accepted it a long time ago.
Unfortunately I haven’t been able to take advantage of it as much as I should have. When I read all these great stories of others having a fab time, getting out and about, I can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy. I know I shouldn’t and I feel bad for thinking that way.
The jealousy is only fleeting, though, because that isn’t really what I want from my dressing.
Where some like to get out and enjoy their femme sides to the max, I prefer to stay in the confines of own domicile. Don’t get me wrong, I have been out dressed but I find that it defeats the whole object of dressing – at least for me.
I love dressing in women’s clothes for the relaxation that it gives me. It’s hard to explain unless you’ve experienced it but I find that, although I get relaxation from other pursuits, nothing compares to crossdressing. And, yes, there is sometimes a sexual side that comes out but this isn’t the main reason for my dressing. I can honestly say that the times I dress for relaxation far out-weigh those times I dress for sexual reasons.
This is no accident. I promised myself at the time that I accepted the fact that I was a crossdresser that I wouldn’t fall into the habit of mainly dressing for sexual pleasure – and I’ve kept to that.
I’m aware from my own experiences on various online forums that many CDs / TVs post pictures and stories with the main aim of gaining some form of acknowledgement or approval. I have been guilty of that myself – see the post “Is anyone out there?“. Many of the people on those forums willingly provide the poster with the “oohs” and “ahs”, fawning over photos that, if we’re all honest about it, don’t really deserve such high praise. I get that we need a good support network and ‘some’ praise is fine, but over-doing it can be harmful in the long-run.
Personally, I will give someone a nice comment where I think it’s warranted but in all other cases I won’t say anything. I refuse to be part of a lie.
I am my own worst critic and I know when a particular look doesn’t work; I know when my make-up is poor because I know how good it can be. I have had glowing comments on pictures that I know are not brilliant and, yet, had hardly any on those that are better-than-average. I think that says a lot about this community that I find myself part of.
In my post mentioned above, I truly forgot my reasons for being here. I’m not here actively seeking anyone’s approval, although it is greatfully received whenever it comes. Rather, I started this blog in an effort to chart the history of my crossdressing and any issues that I have had, or may come across in future. In doing so I hope that someone out there will find at least some of it interesting or, even better, find it useful in their own lives.
As I said before, I prefer to stay at home. Yes, sometimes I’ll become bored with the same old surroundings and “get the urge” to pop out for a drive, maybe to some remote area and get out for a short walk, just to feel the wind up my skirt.
When I’ve told others of this “not going out” thing their immediate reaction is to make the mistake that I am in some way embarrased about what I am. It really isn’t. Really.
My reasons are far more selfish. I avoid crowded areas to reduce the risk of confrontation. I know how that sounds, but bear with me for a minute. I have been in situations in the past and where things have got a bit “hairy” and, although I can deal with it, it more often than not invokes in me those male macho emotions which totally ruins the dressing experience for me. Therefore I decided a long time ago, that I wouldn’t put myself in a position where I had to feel anything other than femme because that is, after all, the point of dressing. As I said I like the good feelings but I’m not a masochist!!
I become someone different when I’m dressed. I can leave the distractions of my life and just enjoy being en-femme, with all the soft pleasures that it gives as opposed to the hard, macho world outside.